Based on the excellent historical novel by Philippa Gregory, this movie is completely unrecognizable.  Yes, it's still set in the court of King Henry VIII, and it's still the story of Ann Boleyn and her sister, Mary.  After that, it's anyone's guess.  The book was a well crafted tale of lust, intrigue, political machinations and unbridled ambition, leading inexorably to dishonor, death and one of the greatest ironies in history.  The movie is a meandering mess which is only as dull as it is confusing.

In it's infinite wisdom, Hollywood had to make some fundamental changes.  In the book, Ann and Mary are willing pawns in their family's quest for power.  They are a sister act with one thought; what's good for the family is good for the girls.  Yes, they are frequent rivals, and they fight like sisters, but they never loose sight of the objective; as much as they can gain for the family.  In the movie, their parents are shown as reluctant tools of Uncle Howard.  Their mother even takes a modern, feminist stand against pimping both her daughters to the King.  No one had any such scruples in the book.  There, the mom is only glad that her daughters are beautiful enough to be of use.   Apparently 21st century movie goers are to be protected from the ruthlessness of the 16th century royal court. 

All that I could live with, had the movie been good on it's own merits.  It wasn't.   It was badly paced and had no coherence at all.    It was so disjointed and meatless that I felt like I was watching a really long trailer instead of a film.  I didn't like the way it was shot, either. Half the scenes are staged so that crap gets between you and the action.  Horses, flags, pillars...I felt like I was watching it through a crowd.  Oh, is it an artistic statement that this scene is filmed through a key hole?  No, it's just annoying!  Directing and cinematography are best when you don't notice them.

And the cast!  Natalie Portman as Ann Boleyn sounds like the joke it should be.  Scarlet Johanson; bleh.  Eric Bana?  Couldn't they find someone with a teeny bit of charisma?  Robert Shaw plays Henry VIII in A Man for All Seasons.  He's in one or two scenes and imbues the character with so much force of personality you think "Wow, that's a King!" Eric Bana plays Henry as a piece of furniture.  This bothers me the most, as he is cast as the romantic lead in another movie based on a book I loved, The Time Traveler's Wife.  Now I'm afraid for that one.

I was with my sister Katie and another gal.  They liked it as much as I did.  In fact, at the end when Ann meets her fate, Katie couldn't help but blurt out "If you catch the head, does that mean you're the next Queen?"

Then, because movie audiences are so stupid there's no way in the world they know anything, there's a heavy handed epilogue telling us that Ann's daughter grows up to be Queen Elizabeth.  Seriously, this paragraph is written like it's some big surprise.  I'm only surprised it didn't say she grew up to be Cate Blanchet.

Read the book.  Don't even watch the movie if it's on free tv.

 

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