Enter the Bass-o-matic
This entry was posted on 1/13/2011 1:37 PM and is filed under blather.
From Katie McC:
"So I've been researching juicers lately, having decided the key to a long, happy, prosperous life is to cram as much fresh produce into my body as is humanly possible and juicing seemed like a fast way to git-r-done. But after looking around a bit and checking various juicing machines out, I learned that juicers just extract, well, the juice. Surely, I thought, there's a better way to ingest vegetables while keeping their fiber content intact, without all the annoying chewing.
Lo and behold, after a few Google searches, I came across the Montel Williams Healthmaster fruit and vegetable emulsifier, a contraption that looks like a giant blender but is strong enough to pulverize a human head into liquid, should the need ever arise. My God!
You can throw four raw beets, a bunch of carrots with the greens still on, a head of cabbage and a bucket of ice cubes into this thing and within seconds, have a healthful treat. Montel Williams himself says it's so and claims to have arrested the devastating effects of MS by using this machine. Sign me up; by summer I will be alive with good health, veins chock-a-block with vitamins, my acne-and-wrinkle free skin aglow. My hair might even grow back, fingers crossed! Oh, did I mention that it also heats up, so you can make a batch of soup in less than ten minutes? WHAT?! What could be better than a freshly whipped up bowl of black bean soup to go with my spinach shake for lunch? Nothing!
The topper: Jenny McCarthy, who has the best body in all the kingdom, swears by it. And that woman cured her son of autism. CURED HIM.
I bought one. Treated myself, a late Christmas gift, if you will. Found one on eBay for a fraction of the retail cost. It came yesterday, oh happy day! Off to the produce section I went and once home, I ground up a bag of spinach, a bunch of apples, some bananas and a few blueberries just as I had seen Montel do on his infommercial. I poured glasses for myself and my children, threatening them with no dessert if they didn't act as my guinea pigs. The collective gag was simultaneous.
"It doesn't taste anything like Green Machine." Molly grumped.
"That's because it doesn't have all the sugar!" I chirped, downing another slug. Bleh.
"It removed all the flavor from the food," Meg said. "It doesn't taste like anything. But it feels like sludge in my mouth."
Hmmm. Maybe a different recipe...more Googling was needed.
We found a couple that weren't half bad; one that's basically just a bloody Mary without the booze and a green one that tastes good* as long as you add a lot of salt and some red pepper flakes. We also made some yummy** fruit smoothies. The key seems to be seasoning them well. And we had a wheee of a time***, grinding up everything that wasn't nailed down.
As of 5:30 today, in the last 24 hours the kids and I have eaten 45 carrots, a bag of spinach, 18 celery stalks, a bag of tomatoes and a bunch of basil, 4 bananas, a package of blueberries, 6 oranges and 4 apples, probably about 90,000 calories in liquid form. Good thing fresh produce is so cheap (!!)
We glow with good health already, if you mean the sweaty film that clings to us all as we battle our crippling intestinal cramps. We're all stuffed but have enjoyed none of the satisfaction one gets from actually eating food. This must be why babies cry all the time. And it smells like a barnyard in here.
*not disgusting
**relatively yummy. Not like a brownie or anything. Let's not get crazy.
***an okay time. Not like playing C.O.D. Black Ops or watching back to back episodes of Will and Grace.
